Believe In Me
by Pokiepup
Summary: Re-Write of the BoLo scene in 4x05, originally written for the challenge. Told from Lauren's POV. Huge Thank You to everyone who voted for me/this story.


_**Believe In Me**_

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_How do you say goodbye when there is still so much left to be said? _

_How do you say goodbye when everything inside you says this might be the last goodbye ever spoken between the two of you?_

_How do you look into such harmless eyes that stare back at you with a warmth, with a love almost as pure as a child's and bring tears to them once more?_

_How do you live with yourself when it feels like you've earned more tears than smiles, more cries than moans, more sobs than laughs? _

_How do you find the strength for this?_

"I hate that woman," _she glares passed me at the door, completely unaware my eyes haven't left her face in minutes. _"Full moon bullshit. Turns out I can't un-Dark myself."

"There has to be a way." _Honestly I've never come across one in all of my studies, but I just can't bear to see her lose hope. _

_It's one of the things I've always admired so much about her. The way she can hold onto the tiniest sliver of hope. The way a single drop of hope to her could fill an entire bucket. _

_Hope for freedom. Hope for love. Hope for justice. Hope for a better life not just for herself but those she loves. Hope in people who've long ago forgotten what the word means beyond a simple definition. _

"Well, at least I have you back." _Her eyes dance over my face as her voice softens, her free hand sliding around my waist. I should pull back-I should tense under her touch, a subtle and unspoken way of alerting her something is wrong. The problem is I never could pull away from her, mostly because I've never truly wanted to._ "Come on. Let me take you home and we will wash away all this double-dealing and manipulation in say a giant, claw-foot bathtub?" _she flashes me that smile, the one that masterfully teeters between devilish and loving._ "Besides this ice is gonna melt." _She pulls her hand away as she lifts the other giving me an excuse to look away. My eyes falling upon the contents but I'm not really looking at them—she won't notice the difference. _

"Hm." _An unconscious noise that slips passed my defenses when I dare to look up, a mere glimpse of her smile—the one I'm about to destroy and I quickly force my gaze back down. _

"Hey, what's wrong?" _her once whimsical laced tone now tainted by concern._

_Drawing in a deep breath as I avoid her gaze, I try to keep the tormenting memories of the last time I earned the exact same transition from her. I try to keep the agonizing feeling in the pit of my stomach to a minimum as I realize I've run out of time. _

_God, what I would give for just a little more time. A little more devilish smirks and futile jokes about a hand in a bag. A little more adoring glances and loving touches. A little more inviting offers of a future together—even if it is just for the night. A little more opportunity to allow her to suggest things she doesn't even realize she is suggesting. _

_The sound of her saying home and the two of us in the same sentence bringing a joy I hadn't expected. A hint at something I hadn't even thought about until this very moment, but now as I watch it slip away I can't help but miss it. _

"I don't think that I can go back there." _Nine words somehow manage to shatter everything._ "With the light."

"I don't understand." _Her features riddle in confusion but her eyes tell a different story. A story of pain and even a sense of knowing which had been laying dormant just beneath the surface._

"When the Una Mens started killing humans and I ran, the Light never bothered to come looking for me. But the Dark, they sought me out. Offered me protection—"

"Lauren."

"Sure they were drama queens about it. Tested me by forcing me to diagnose one of their Elders, but they came. When no one else did."

_I swallow back the growing lump in my throat. Somehow the eccentricities of the passed situation mentioned first doing little to cushion the last five words. _

_They weren't directed at her…..not completely. _

_Dyson, Kenzi, Hale—anyone of them could have come looking but they didn't. I never expected them to, not really but for some reason the blow of knowing they didn't is still substantial. With Kenzi I believed we had met on a common ground, understood and accept the other's intentions. Hale was the closest one to a friend I had. Then Dyson, the supposedly noble hero who is supposed to have a code of honor. The man who is supposed to honor his bond to those he fights beside, I've lost count of how many times we've fought together now. _

_Then there IS her…who has been back for weeks, yet the first time I catch a glimpse of her it is by chance. _

"I would've come—"

"But you couldn't. I know_," I look into her eyes as the metaphorical knife in my heart twists a little deeper_. "I'm not angry Bo—with you." _I glance passed her penetrating stare._ "And with the Dark I can come and go as I please. I'm with them on my terms. There's no binding agreements. There's no dog collar. I can't believe that I'm saying this but for the first time Bo, I feel free."

_I wish it were a lie. _

_I wish I was saying this because I'm bitter—I am, but it doesn't take the truth from my words. I wish I was saying this to hurt her—it does, but that isn't why. I wish that the world was black and white, that the Light were simply the good guys and the Dark were simply the bad guys. I wish that I didn't have as much leniency with the Dark as I did and that I didn't feel as free as I do. _

_I wish she could see the world beyond black and white. Beyond the definition of sides that was given to her when she was introduced to this world—my world. I wish she could see passed her loyalty to Dyson. _

_Most of all, I wish she could see beyond my words. _

"But I could free you. We could be free together."

"How?"

"Fight for you. Protect you. Claim you if I have to."

"Yeah," _I nod while keeping my eyes on the floor. I don't need to see her face to know what she's feeling, her voice says it all._ "You mean own me." _Drawing in another breath I pull what strength I have left, look up into her agony filled eyes and prepare to utter the truth that she works so hard to deny_. "You're Fae. I'm human."

"So what?" _she snaps, I can't help but notice the change from the last time I forced her to realize the truth about 'us'._

"So, I'll always be a prisoner. The least I can do is chose my own cage." _She's hurt but not broken, not like before._

_She's changed…so have I. _

"It's gonna be okay Bo," _My hand going to her shoulder as I utter words that she will only take at face value. Maybe one day when all is said and done she'll look back at his moment, remember my words and realize there was so much being spoken underneath the surface._ "Now that you're Dark I'll see you around."

_There is this flash of anger—maybe disgust as she looks at my hand at first. Then she catches herself or maybe her pain just wins out this time, her features reverting to their pain ridden counterpart. _

_The one I know so well. _

_She covers my hand with her own and I watch in curiosity as each second passes. I expected her to drop it, to remove it from her and step away. She doesn't though, instead she holds it tightly while peering into my eyes. _

_For a mere moment I could swear she understands. _

_For a mere moment I could swear she trusts in me. _

"When you're ready to come back to your real family, just say the word." _She struggles to keep her voice from breaking, struggles to keep the inevitable tears away. She lets go of my hand and walks passed me without as much as another word. Like the fool I am I turn back to see if she will-she doesn't. _

_For a mere moment I could swear she believed in me. _

_I hear her steps stop just outside the door and I literally hold my breath waiting to see if she will turn back around. _

_But I'm not Dyson, so she won't. _

_I'm not him so the sacrifices I've made for her are easily forgotten. The words I've spoken to her fall to deaf ears. The promises we've made each other are easily broken. What little faith she manages to spare for me is effortlessly washed away. _

_I'm not him so the pain I cause will only lessen but never disappear. The wounds I cause will never heal and the scars will never fade. Every word spoken in contradiction to her held against me and those for her, forgotten. Every act of love lessened by the memory of one of betrayal. _

_Sometimes I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse that I'm not held in the same regard as him. Sometimes when looking into her eyes as she held me, I was sure it was the biggest blessing I could have ever received. Sometimes watching her walk away believing that I am anything but loyal to her, I'm as sure it's a curse as I am sure I need air to breathe. _

_I take a single step forward but only one. _

_Even if she did come back or if I went to her, what would I say? _

_What words could be spoken to make her understand that I'm hurting her for her own good? What words could be spoken to make her see that I'm doing this for her? What words could be spoken to make her realize that I love her? What words could be spoken to make her even fathom that there is no ceremony needed nor oath to be taken for me to belong to her, I already do. _

_What words could be spoken to make her believe in me….even just once? _

"I fucked Dyson, you know."

_I do know actually._

_I don't say that though. Actually I don't say anything at her surprise return or more accurately, I don't say anything at her juvenile attempt of hurting me. _

_She stands there in the doorway looking at me with this unique mixture of calmness with an underlining rage. I suppose this is what I look like most days, it's quite interesting. _

_I'm sure she was expecting a different response from me, but there is only so many times you can act surprised about the inevitable. We are all creatures of habit, some more than others and Bo is a perfect example of that. My unwavering devotion to her despite her careless actions toward me, is a perfect example of that. _

"Did you hear me?"

"My ears work just fine Bo."

"Then say something." _She clenches her jaw, eyes dancing over my face but this time she's looking for something. She's desperately searching for a reaction of some kind but I won't let her see my pain, not this time._ "Lauren."

"I slept with someone too."

"Wh-what?" _her once rigid tone faltering to something resembling wounded._ "Who?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?" _I snort, shaking my head as for the first time I let my eyes fall from hers._ "It doesn't matter."

"It does."

"No Bo, it doesn't."

"It matters! It matters **to me**." _Her voice raises but that isn't what catches my attention, not completely_. _What does grasp my attention is the way her eyes flash blue. It only lasts for a moment but I know I've caught it. I've seen that from her more times than I've cared to but this is the first time it's ever been at me._ "It matters to me whether it was a man or a woman." _She takes a single step toward me._ "It matters whether or not I know this person." _Another step_. "It matters whether they were human or Fae." _And another._ "It matters whether it was making love or fucking." _One more step bringing her within arm's reach._ "Everything about this matters."

_Despite the way her fists clench and the way she stands so combative, I'm not worried. Despite the way her jaw does this tremble as her nostrils fare with every word spat at me, I'm not worried. Despite the way her left eye is doing this slight twitch that only happens when she's trying to keep tears back from anger, I'm not worried. _

_I'm not even worried about the way her deep brown eyes gradually dance between their natural color and their icy counterparts. _

_Bo can hurt me in a magnitude of ways. Ways that are so effortless, so skillfully done that it is almost an art form. At times I think she does it on purpose, a punishment for my first sin against her, the one she'll never forgive. But she would never put her hands on me, and that I would bet my life on. _

_Which makes everything about her current temper tantrum somewhat of an idle threat. _

"Her name was Crystal and she is human, or maybe was. I'm not quite sure if she is alive or dead, she sort of just—vanished." _I give the slightest of shrugs as my sentence comes to an end. _

"And?"

"And what Bo?" _my brow raises as I can't help but snort at the way she speaks, almost as if I owe her a response._

_I watch as blue slithers along the edges of her irises creating a new color all of their own. I'm surer now more than ever that something has changed. Something has changed within her, something beyond the surface. I can't help but to feel a surge of concern though I can't concern myself with that now, I already have a mission. _

_I'm already trying to protect her from this. Let her perfect family with her perfect, little wolf protect her from whatever this change is. _

"I couldn't make love to her but it," _I drop my eyes to the floor and clear my throat._ "It wasn't the other option either."

"Then what **was** it?" _another snap as she has to keep herself from taking another step toward me._

"I don't ask you what your indiscretions with Dyson-or Tamsin are." _This time it's me who snaps as I look up to meet her eyes. _

_I've done what I said I wouldn't do. I've showed emotion and fell into her trap once again. I've not only showed hurt for her actions with Dyson, but I've also allowed her to see passed that. I've allowed her to know I still care enough to hold onto something that should feel like ages ago given these past few months. _

_With twelve words I've already admitted my defeat. _

"I was so worried about you and—"

"You were worried about me, so you have sex with Dyson?" _I chuckle through a snort_. "Do me a favor Bo, don't worry about me anymore."

"I know how that sounded but I was." _She hangs her head for the first time. It's now her turn to play the victim, to make me feel bad for making her feel bad for making me feel bad in the first place. I know this game well._ "I've been scared and worried about you, about what's happening, about myself."

"You don't need to make excuse to me Bo. You don't owe me any." _I stop short of reminding her we aren't together anymore, this is how I know she's already winning this game of ours. _

"I'm sorry," _she lets out in a sigh, looking up to find my eyes._ "I—I was lonely."

"Don't talk to me about lonely." _I can hear the coldness in my own voice but something about her choice of words pisses me off more than anything._

"Lauren—"

"Don't," _I hold my hand up and shake my head trying desperately to bite my tongue._ "Don't ever talk to me about loneliness Bo, especially not now." _I turn around, running my hand through my hair trying to quickly gain perspective. To remember what this has all been about or rather what my end goal is. To remind myself that I already know how Bo is going to respond, all I have to do is keep calm and it will be over soon. She can't fight me if I don't respond. _

"You don't think I get lonely?"

"I have no doubt you get lonely Bo," _I look back over my shoulder at her._ "I just don't think you know the true meaning of the word."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." _I shake my head, looking back down at the desk._

"I may not have a fancy degree Lauren, but I know what I feel."

"Yes Bo I'm sure you do." _I nod and turn back around to face her._ "I'm sure it is so lonely for you having a grandfather who loves you and will do anything for you. I'm sure it gets so lonely those few nights when Dyson isn't up your ass pledging his eternal love. I'm sure it's so lonely having your best friend with you every second of the day. I'm sure it's so lonely having every man and woman, human and Fae alike lusting after you." _I shake my head noticing my own tears pooling in the corners of my eyes._ "I'm sure it's so damn lonely having me being madly in love with you." _I can't help but snort and turn back around._ "It just sounds so damn lonely for you Bo."

"Y—you don't know—"

"I don't know what Bo?" _against better judgment, I turn around once more_. "I haven't see my friends let alone my family in years Bo, they don't even know I'm alive anymore. I don't have a best friend or as it turns out, I don't have any friends at all. No one to run to when I'm having a bad day or just need a friendly smile instead of death glares and whispers. I don't have a wolf chasing after me every single moment of the day trying to prove how much he loves me." _I can't help but snort. _"In fact, I don't have anyone trying to prove they love me."

"Lauren—"

"I am not free Bo, I haven't been free in a very long time. You think that the cage the Fae want to put me in is the only one I'm running from, it's not. I don't have the freedom nor the-charm to go into clubs or hell even a Subway and get anyone I want to keep my bed warm on the nights I need to be held. Some nights I just lay awake staring up at the ceiling while tears fall down my cheeks near pathetically because I am so alone. At least before with Nadia—in a weird way I didn't feel so alone. I was trying to save her, it gave me a purpose, a purpose other than to be a slave."

"You never told me—"

"Told you what? What am I supposed to tell you Bo?" _I try to sniffle back the tears. _"Do you want to hear about how guilty I feel about what I did, even though there is absolutely no need to? Do you want to hear about how in a moment of weakness, of pure loneliness I climbed into someone's bed? Do you want to hear about my days of running and my nights of hiding? Of fake names and starvation? Do you want me to tell you about real worry? Or maybe I should tell you about how for just a single moment I wanted to feel like someone cared about me. For just a single moment the pain of everything was too much to bear and I needed to feel something other than that pain. I wanted to forget that my so called friends didn't think once to take a moment from their precious day to come looking for me. For one moment I wanted someone to want me, to need me, to make me feel like something other than nothing. I wanted to feel the way I felt when you touched me," _I look away, blinking back tears to the best of my faltering ability. _"Or maybe all you care to know is that it pallid in comparison."

"Y—yes." _She answers almost as if she is unsure of her own words._

"I didn't tell you Bo because we don't talk, not really. We chase each other over and over again until we dizzy and run into each other. Sometimes it's just a night and other times it's longer, but we are always just chasing each other."

"That isn't true."

"No?" _I sort of chuckle as I let my head hang, watching tears slip from my cheeks onto the floor._

"No." _she almost snaps at me. Her hands grabbing my cheeks forcing my face up so she can see her handy work._ "I love you Lauren—Karen—whatever other name you may have or will have. It doesn't matter to me because I meant what I said, I know who you are."

"You don't." _I shake my head in her hands, eyes closing as tears slip through._

"Fine, I don't." _she uses her thumbs to wipe the tears from my cheeks._ "Then let me get to know you." _She sort of laughs through her own tears, this smile that is nothing short of a plea._ "Come home with me and I promise you we'll talk. We'll lock ourselves in my room and just talk. We'll talk about everything and anything. We won't come out until there isn't a thing about each other we don't know. Just_," her voice breaks as her hands drop to mine._ "Just come home with me."

"I—I can't Bo." _I shake my head before letting it fall forward._

"We could make this work." _She leans in, lips resting on my cheek._ "I know we can Lauren." _A kiss to my jaw. _"I know you know it too." _A kiss to my cheek just beside my lips._ "Just come home with me." _Her lips cover mine for a sweet, gentle, longing filled kiss. It's a kiss that nearly breaks my heart, along with my resolve._

"The L Word was a complete lie. Six seasons of thigh moistening sex scenes convincing me lesbian life was the way to go but yet what I do get in reality? Monologues that would bore Virginia Woolf." _My eyes shift over to Evony as she walks in, smirk curving her lips. _

_Bo takes a step back and then another, she doesn't look over to Evony even as she passes us going to the desk. I want to look away, I know I need to hide my drying tears but instead I watch as she takes another step away from me. _

_Her lips part and I await her to ask me again, to say something but she only takes another step away. She's waiting for me to follow, her eyes pleading with me to come with her. Her right hand slightly extended from her side as if reaching for me. _

_I want to go. I want to buy into her words once more as I always do. I want to block out the pain as I've learned to do and enjoy the feel of her touch, the warmth of her embrace. Believe in her promises. _

_I want her but beyond her, I want a future with her. _

_That can't happen if I don't stay strong. That can't happen if I don't stick to my plan. That can't happen if I trade in an entire future for a single night of pleasure. _

_I clench my jaw, blink back the tears and shake my head speaking an unspoken goodbye. _

_She stops, eyes narrowing as she peers into mine. It's a gaze so intense it feels like the world has been stripped away, like she is looking straight into my soul. _

"Your real family will be waiting." _She whispers under her breath before turning her back to me, and once again I'm left standing here watching her walk away._

_For a mere moment I could swear she believed in me._


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